My Snails Have Not Yet Arrived transcript

• From the Missing Persians File CD.
• Read by Prunella Scales and Timothy West.

I was over in Paris on holiday
One summer; the weather was fine.
I stopped at a fast food restaurant
For a meal and a glass of red wine.

I mused as I gazed on the river,
The boats and their bright-coloured sails,
If this was a fast food restaurant,
How come the menu said 'snails'?

I waited ten, fifteen minutes,
Twenty and then twenty five,
I signalled and said to the waiter
"My snails have not yet arrived.".

"M'sieu; our frog's legs come in lorries;
Our wine comes by rail from ze Rhone;
Our rock cakes are ferried from quarries;
Our snails have to come on their own.

We order our snails from Marseilles;
Zey come up ze road on ze 'oof,
and although zey are racing snails,
Half an hour is hardly enoof.".

I drank a full bottle of claret,
Had side salads garnished with chives;
Had several shaves; wrote a novel;
My snails have not yet arrived.

"Its our way to ensure zey're mature;
Marseilles is a long way to come;
It would be quicker to hitchhike,
But a snail, as you know, has no thumb.".

I did crosswords; I once took a mistress;
Married the first of my wives;
Our children grew up and left home;
My snails have not yet arrived.

I had an affair; we divorced;
A second marriage, which failed;
Two more sons and a daughter;
Six grandchildren; no bloody snails.

By now I was getting quite peckish,
When back came the waiter at last;
"M'sieu, your snails are arriving
But their sell by date may have passed.

There outside was my dinner
On the opposite side of the street;
They were waiting for a gap in the traffic;
Tomorrow I knew I would eat.

O slow motion mollusc I marvel;
How patient your pace to the door;
How big was the boot of the gendarme;
How crunch was my lunch was no more.

I have read War and Peace; I have learned it,
Sat through it, and I have survived;
But what will it say on my headstone?
My snails have not yet arrived.