01: Skuffle – Tortoise From Hell
A song plucked from those distant devil-may-care days of the biker tortoises of the North Circular.
02: Julia Hills – Herding Cats
A story of the wild west, somewhere beyond Aberystwyth, where men are men and haven’t realised that cats are in charge.
03: Les Barker – The Inflatable Boy
This was a joke and I’ve made it rhyme.
04: John Conolly – Fiddler’s Greenberg
A long time ago, John wrote a magnificent song about the place fishermen go when they die. I wrote a less magnificent one about accountants, which is what I was at the time. And here’s John’s version of my version of his song.
05: Bernard Cribbins – Eeyore’s Speech From Piglet
When I was Very Young, Miss Gladding used to read Winnie the Pooh to us at Crowcroft Park Primary School. Had I ever grown up, that would have been my first memory of doing so.
06: Nonny James – Have You Got Any News Of The Iceberg?
Based on a Bill Tidy cartoon, and performed rather well by Nonny.
07: Bob Williamson – Kippers For Tea
One of my very early parodies. I originally wrote a much more complicated lyric. I remember there being a reference to jugged hare. That had to go.
08: Jon Briggs – Weakest Link
A simple idea about a simple programme.
09: Linda Bellingham – Why Don’t They Write It On The Side?
We had this poem on the last CD as well, but this one was written about the other side.
10: June Tabor – The January June
Based on a magnificent song by Dave Goulder and carrying June’s perceived public persona to extremes. But she’s not like that at all.
11: James Bolam – The Atheist And The Bear
I’ve spent time in the Canadian Rockies wearing a small bell and shouting from time to time, which apparently helps to ensure one’s safety. I’ve tried doing the same thing in Rhyl, but with less success.
12: Gaynor Faye – I’ve Been Hiding My Light Under A Bushel
I’ve always made a point of having a bushel. People think there might be a light under it.
13: Mrs Ackroyd Band – O Sole Mio
To be precise, Hilary Spencer. Chris Harvey is the entire orchestra.
14: Eric Allen – I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud
I’m sure somebody else wrote this.
15: Toyah Willcox – Pearl
A story of unrequited love. I’ve always found unrequited love to be much less expensive in the long term.
16: John Scott Cree – Rolls Royce Blues
One of my early attempts at the genre.
01: The Mrs Ackroyd Band – Llanfairpwllgwyngyll- gogerychwyrndrobwllllantisiliogogogoch
To be precise again, Alison Younger, again with Chris Harvey. When I wrote this, I never dreamed I would one day be able to say it.
02: Elaine C Smith – Runner Up, The Wonder Horse
A story of underachievement. Like unrequited love, it’s a lot less bother.
03: Jeremy Irons – Scott Of East Acton
An early attempt at misplaced geography.
04: Tom Bliss – Van Gogh
Mr Van Gogh proves my point. Had he been willing to settle for unrequited love, he would have had more ears.
05: Sue Jameson – Procrastination
I’ll write a description of this one later.
06: Alex Lester – Henry V
Not nearly as good as Shakespeare’s account, but it takes a lot less time.
07: Ken Galipeau – No One Wants To Meet A Skunk
Ken lives in New Jersey and is more likely to meet a skunk than I am. It’s not an ever-present danger around Wrexham.
08: Jon Briggs – The Surveyor
I wrote this when I was buying a house. I couldn’t understand why it was compulsory for a man to come and look at a house and give you a list of all the people who should look at it instead of him. I could have done that.
09: Cindy Kent – Seven Deadly Sins
Sloth; a large, hairy sin. Much bigger than the peccadillo.
10: John Scott Cree – Slow Feet Blues
A song of the pseudo-science of running shoe design.
11: Norma Dixit – Why Do Cafes Close At Teatime?
I wrote this when I was hungry.
12: Michael Palin – The Man Who Is Everywhere Else
It was hard to know where to put the microphone for this one.
13: Eileen McGann – I Live Not Near The Louvre
Eileen is one of the Mrs Ackroyd Band’s occasional Canadian members, and this is one of the many traditional songs I have written.
14: Ann Widdecombe – Upwards
The downside of being up here, and the upside of being down there.
15: Jon Briggs – Dave
A tribute to a great man and his revolutionary idea.
16: John Tams with Coope, Boyes and Simpson – On and On
My less fine version of John’s fine song.
17: Edward de Souza – Mange Tout